Dear Panama City Beach, Florida-
We have a problem. Our relationship has suffered because of your neglectful attitude and your refusal to better yourself. I am threatening to end this affair here and now if you don’t clean yourself up, pay attention to what really matters, and have some self-respect.
I have been a faithful lover and have repeatedly stood up for you when people called you “Redneck Riviera.” When the nationally syndicated TV show “Squidbillies” used you repeatedly as a funny yet trashy joke I chuckled and said, “Let them say what they will darling, but you still have the most beautiful beaches in the world.”
My proclamation wasn’t a lie, compared to you Malibu’s water is cold, Cancun’s sand is course, and Ibiza’s beaches are crowded. I searched the world, and although I enjoyed the company of others, I always ended up comparing them to you. I loved your petite downtown, yummy red beans & rice, tiny marina and the tacky spray painted t-shirt shops… they made me laugh. Quite simply you were an original, naturally beautiful, and full of boisterous characters.
I stayed away too long, that was my bad, but what happened to you? You locked yourself away. Sealing yourself in the 1990’s when MTV spring breaks were your claim to fame. What I’m trying to say is - Why is there virtually no recycling within your boarders? This is the 21st century if I am not mistaken.
Why is it easier to find a sunken treasure ship than to locate a glass-recycling container? Have you lost your mind? Do you know how many vacationers have nothing else better to do than consume as many beers and sodas as possible on your shores. You are throwing away possible revenue and being insanely irresponsible.
I know. I know. You’ve tried to change and have attempted to start recycling programs, but they all failed. I heard that sad story from every resident I asked. Act like the smart, resourceful city I know you can be, pick yourself up and try again.
And don’t say those wire baskets located in St. Andrew’s National Park, which only take aluminum cans represent an effort. Octo-Mom made a better attempt at contraception. I can count on one finger the people willing to walk 2 miles into a state park to recycle an aluminum can and the fact that I did so proves this relationship is damaging! When I saw the green recycling bins on your beaches I thought you were trying to change, but then a garbage truck came by and dumped them into the same compartment with the rest of the trash. I caught you in a lie and I am hurt.
Also is there a reason why almost every restaurant puts a plastic straw in my glass without me asking for it, packages take home items in Styrofoam, and uses disposable items like paper napkins instead of reusable. We do have limited resources in this family you know. We don’t have enough oil to make your plastic utensils and keep your Sea-Doos running so pick one.
Why won’t you change? Didn’t we have something special? Don’t your beaches mean anything to you? I’m leaving you with the names of a few people who might be able to help you: RecycleBank, Greenopolis, and Earth911.com.
The sad reality facing me is that I know once I leave you I will jump back into a dating pool filled with hundreds if not thousands of towns, which are exactly the same as you. They will lack your charm and our history together, but I love you too much to sit by and watch you destroy yourself. So go on living fast and carefree, racing headlong towards the day when your sugary beaches are trashed, the smell of garbage fills the air, and gas costs 20 bucks a gallon because it was all made into plastic straws.
I wish you the best. I will always love you.
Your devoted friend and former resident,
Raegan Payne
More great stories on Celsias:
Yes, you're right (except for the coarse...not course...sand of Cancun---try Playa del Carmen--it's better)...but mostly right about the fact that EVERYWHERE is just as bad. There are very FEW cities, towns that promote and follow through on GREEN. I agree!
Written in June 2010