|A member of the Exxon-Mobil & National Petroleum Council lights a Vivoleum candle|
As a result, an ingenious new alternative fuel - vivoleum - was recently proposed and explained to 300 oil industry representatives at the Exxon-Mobil and the National Petroleum Council in Calgary, Alberta.
In the actual speech, the "NPC rep" announced that current U.S. and Canadian energy policies (notably the massive, carbon-intensive exploitation of Alberta's oil sands, and the development of liquid coal) are increasing the chances of huge global calamities. But he reassured the audience that in the worst case scenario, the oil industry could "keep fuel flowing" by transforming the billions of people who die into oil.Hopefully by now you're wondering if it's April Fool's day. It's not, but the presentation was indeed a hoax - an elaborate Yes Men act to drive a serious point home to the 300-strong oil council.
"We need something like whales, but infinitely more abundant," said " NPC rep" "Shepard Wolff" (actually Andy Bichlbaum of the Yes Men), before describing the technology used to render human flesh into a new Exxon oil product called Vivoleum. 3-D animations of the process brought it to life.
"Vivoleum works in perfect synergy with the continued expansion of fossil fuel production," noted "Exxon rep" "Florian Osenberg" (Yes Man Mike Bonanno). "With more fossil fuels comes a greater chance of disaster, but that means more feedstock for Vivoleum. Fuel will continue to flow for those of us left." - Daily KOS
The oilmen listened to the lecture with attention, and then lit "commemorative candles" supposedly made of Vivoleum obtained from the flesh of an "Exxon janitor" who died as a result of cleaning up a toxic spill. The audience only reacted when the janitor, in a video tribute, announced that he wished to be transformed into candles after his death, and all became crystal-clear.The police determined a crime had not been committed, and the Yes Men were free to leave.
At that point, Simon Mellor, Commercial & Business Development Director for the company putting on the event, strode up and physically forced the Yes Men from the stage. As Mellor escorted Bonanno out the door, a dozen journalists surrounded Bichlbaum, who, still in character as "Shepard Wolff," explained to them the rationale for Vivoleum.
"We've got to get ready. After all, fossil fuel development like that of my company is increasing the chances of catastrophic climate change, which could lead to massive calamities, causing migration and conflicts that would likely disable the pipelines and oil wells. Without oil we could no longer produce or transport food, and most of humanity would starve. That would be a tragedy, but at least all those bodies could be turned into fuel for the rest of us."
"We're not talking about killing anyone," added the "NPC rep." "We're talking about using them after nature has done the hard work. After all, 150,000 people already die from climate-change related effects every year. That's only going to go up - maybe way, way up. Will it all go to waste? That would be cruel." - Daily KOS
Here is the spoof tribute - to a former Exxon janitor - that caused the audience to 'click':
Some of you may remember another elaborate Yes Men dupe we posted a while back in an article on pesticides (see the YouTube clips at bottom), where the Yes Men convinced a BBC interviewer that Dow, the new owners of the infamous Bhopal chemical plant that killed thousands and maimed and injured thousands more, were taking full responsibility for the disaster, and were committing billions of dollars to try to clean up the site and help the people affected. That prank backfired somewhat, in that, for a few hours at least, many of the people affected by the disaster actually believed Dow was going to take responsibility and help them. Despite that false hope, I would imagine these people were grateful for the well-executed attempt to bring a sense of reason and humanity to the world's worst chemical disaster.
Here's hoping that some of the audience in the Calgary oil council, and perhaps further afield, were influenced by their latest presentation.